Believe it or not, this conversation (over IM) started when Nick revealed he hadn’t told me that he already knew about the man who tried to pay his bills with a picture of a spider.
ME: Oh. Consider my bubble burst.
NICK: Oh! Sorry!
ME: All the joy is gone from life.
NICK: Bloody hell, that was easy. I wasn’t even trying.
ME: The world is turning gray around me . . .
NICK: Is it getting cold? So cold?
ME: Why’s everything going fuzzy? Oh, wait, I’m listening to Grant Lee Buffalo.
NICK: Ah! Well, there you go.
ME: You’re not my boyfriend! Who’s using your computer? I mean, his computer.
NICK: Sorry? What have I done? OMG?! Bananas!
ME: My own boyfriend wouldn’t taunt me like that. I know it for sure. He’s a gentle soul.
NICK: That’s true. Darn it, foiled again!
ME: Well, who are you, then?
NICK: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts.
ME: Which one?
NICK: Not the latest one. One of the earlier, less English ones.
ME: The latest one is Inigo Montoya.
NICK: Hmm. Not the one before last either, then.
ME: So not Inigo Montoya and not Westley?
NICK: Nope. The one before the one before the one before last.
ME: Hang on. How did the Dread Pirate Roberts get on my boyfriend’s Gmail account?
NICK: I scuttled his ship and took his passwords. He’s my cabin boy now. I shall probably kill him in the morning.
ME: He had a ship? He told me he was a web designer!
NICK: He told me he ran away to sea to find you a nice book to read.
ME: That doesn’t sound like him, at all.
NICK: I could tell he was lying. But about what, I could not tell.
ME: Are you sure that’s my boyfriend you’ve got as a cabin boy?
NICK: He is bald and wears glasses.
ME: So are many men who are replete with testosterone. Except for the glasses.
NICK: He said something about repleteness just before I defeated him in a duel.
ME: Oh. That’s definitely my boyfriend, then. Is he coming back for his birthday party?
NICK: I tire swiftly of him but his foolishness has put me out of the mood for killing. I shall release him to you this afternoon.
ME: Hang on—I know you! You’re Atlas! Atlas pretending to be Dread Pirate Roberts! Oh, the layers upon layers.
NICK: My cunning but overly complex plan is revealed! I must away with me to my space castle.
ME: Well, can you drop him off at Indooroopilly, if you’ve got your space castle? It saves me picking him up from work.
NICK: This baby doesn’t do reverse. Or left turns.
ME: Is a giant circuit of the Earth out of the question? He doesn’t have to be there for a couple of hours.
NICK: Can’t talk; just been boarded by Space Pirate Harlock.
ME: Right—watch out for the giant switchblade he keeps in the prow of his ship.
NICK: Yes, that did a number on my space-shrubbery.