by Catriona Mills

Articles in “Strange Conversations”

Strange Conversations: Part Three Hundred and Five

Posted 26 May 2010 in by Catriona

ME: I need a new title for my novel, but I can’t think what.
NICK: It’s a pity the two kingdoms don’t have names. You could call it From X to Y.
ME: From Here to Eternity?
NICK: From Justin to Kelly.

What a shame From Russia with Love is already taken.

Strange Conversations: Part Three Hundred and Four

Posted 26 May 2010 in by Catriona

In which Nick learns the dangers of, firstly, letting his girlfriend follow him on Twitter and, secondly, baiting an over-tired girlfriend:

ME: Honey, I don’t know what that was that you just tweeted, but I’m sure it can’t be as important as the washing up.
NICK: I’m just about to get on with that.
ME: Good.
NICK: But what I’ve done is . . .
ME: No.
NICK: But it’s . . .
ME: I have one paper to go.
NICK: But it’s the coolest . . .
ME: I’ve had five hours’ sleep.
NICK: But . . .
ME: Head injury!
NICK: I’m done.

(I don’t still have a head injury, of course, though there’s still a dent in my forehead. But it is why I’m so behind on my work and running on so little sleep.)

Strange Conversations: Part Three Hundred and Three

Posted 21 May 2010 in by Catriona

Reverse psychology:

NICK: How do you like my new stripy boxers?
ME: Very nice, darling. You should go to the shops in those.
NICK: Don’t tempt me!
ME: Why not?
(Pause)
NICK: Okay. I won’t.

Strange Conversations: Part Three Hundred and Two

Posted 21 May 2010 in by Catriona

From an IM conversation (which also included this. OMG!):

ME: Retweet that picture! Other people need to see that!
NICK: Ok.
ME: I should go. I have a list of things to do. The last one is “totally panic.”
NICK: Cross that one off then.
ME: And that’s only re. my MS. Well, one of my MSS. Cross it off?
NICK: Cross off “totally panic”.
ME: It’s the only one I’ve achieved!
NICK: Well, there you go then.

Strange Conversations: Part Three Hundred and One

Posted 20 May 2010 in by Catriona

ME: So this is how you choose to spend your evening? Bringing mathematics to the pixellated Greeks?
NICK: Everyone needs a mission. A hobby, if you will.
ME: Adding “if you will” after a perfectly normal noun doesn’t make it portentous.
NICK: Does it not?
ME: No. And neither does messing with the syntax.

Strange Conversations: Part Three Hundred

Posted 15 May 2010 in by Catriona

NICK (in hallway): What time do you want Mum round tomorrow?
ME (in the shower, gingerly avoiding various bruises and contusions): What?
NICK (in hallway): I said, “What time do you want Mum round tomorrow?”
ME (in shower): Are you on the phone right now?
NICK (in hallway): What?
ME (in hallway): I said, “Are you on the phone right now?”
NICK (in hallway): No. Text message.
ME (in shower): Then it can wait till I’m not naked.
NICK (in hallway): What?

Strange Conversations: Part Two Hundred and Ninety-Nine

Posted 14 May 2010 in by Catriona

ME: I feel a bit guilty about taking the day off and delaying my marking.
NICK: Why?
ME: Well, it’s only a blow on the head. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of it.
NICK: Okay, rewind that a bit. It’s a blow on the head. You should be making a big deal out of it.
ME: Yeah, but—
NICK: It’s a blow on the head. Stop fretting about it.
ME: You stop making me frown. It makes my lump hurt.

Strange Conversations: Part Two Hundred and Ninety-Eight

Posted 14 May 2010 in by Catriona

Since it’s been nearly twenty-four hours since yesterday’s blow to the head, we’re assuming my chances of bleeding into my brain are greatly reduced. (The chances were never high, before anyone panics. I know you were going to panic.) But Nick likes to make contingency plans.

NICK: But with the less serious head injuries, sometimes it can be weeks before something happens.
ME: I know! And you’re walking and talking, and then you fall down dead.
NICK: But if we’re vigilant, we can catch it.
ME: I thought the whole point was that you just fell down dead with no warning?
NICK: If you start slurring your speech, I’ll know. BAM!
ME: I might just be drunk.
NICK: Then from now on, there’s no more alcohol. BAM!
ME: That would really ratchet up the irritability, which is another symptom.
NICK: True.
ME: You’d just be masking all the symptoms.
NICK: It’s not easy, is it?

Strange Conversations: Part Two Hundred and Ninety-Seven

Posted 10 May 2010 in by Catriona

This sums up my life, especially at 7:30 on a Monday night:

ME: Sweetheart, I love you, but you have to stop performing a mouth-orchestra counterpoint to ‘Every Rose Has its Thorn’ while I am trying to write.
NICK: Sorry.

Want To Know Why I Haven't Been Blogging Lately?

Posted 6 May 2010 in by Catriona

It’s all summed up in this slightly embellished conversation:

ME: Now, your next piece of assessment is released tomorrow. No, it’s not. That was a total lie. It’s released next Tuesday.
STUDENTS: Yeah.
ME: I was getting my T-days missed up.
STUDENTS: Tomorrow is an F-day.
ME: Is it? Is today Thursday?
STUDENTS: Yes.
ME: Did we have a public holiday this week?
STUDENTS: Yep.
ME: Well, it’s still being released next Tuesday.

Still, at least I was in the correct class and teaching the correct material.

E-mails from My Mother

Posted 2 May 2010 in by Catriona

My mother informs me that she’s planning on becoming a Jewish mother as a hobby. I suggested that, since she’s already a Catholic mother, she didn’t really need to pile on any more guilt.

Then she sent me this e-mail:

Was going to ring last evening to see if you were okay as I didn’t get
a response to my e-mail which is very unusual.
Love,
Mum
P.S. If I don’t get a response to this one I will contact emergency
services.

(The original e-mail, I might add, was a request for help with the crossword, and I didn’t know the answer.)

I didn’t learn my lesson, clearly, because yesterday brought this e-mail:

Are you alive and well? I’m concerned as I did not receive a response
to the e-mail I sent yesterday. Correction, I did receive a response
from your sister.
Love,
Mum

And then she suggested that I post them on the blog. She’s hungry for a wider audience, I think.

Strange Conversations: Part Two Hundred and Ninety-Six

Posted 2 May 2010 in by Catriona

Nick does the laundry, after some prodding:

ME: Honey . . .
NICK: You are quite right. I leap into action, like the action man I am.
ME: You’re not an action man.
NICK: I am too an action man!
ME: For a start, action men don’t whinge like that.
NICK: There are lots of action men in Aliens, and they whinge all the god-damn time.
(Pause)
ME: All right, that is a fair point.
NICK: Woo hoo!

Strange Conversations: Part Two Hundred and Ninety-Five

Posted 1 May 2010 in by Catriona

Trying to decipher Australian Crawl lyrics—always a pointless task:

ME: Knocking on rum balls?
NICK: Maybe.
ME: Oh! Knocking on wrong doors.
NICK: Rundor.
ME: Who?
NICK: Rundor the Repulsive.
ME: Is that a real person?
NICK: I don’t know.
ME: Well, did you make him up just then?
NICK: Oh. Yes.
ME: Then why didn’t you say he wasn’t real?
NICK: I didn’t like to draw conclusions.

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