by Catriona Mills

Articles in “Strange Conversations”

Conversation With A Geek

Posted 29 October 2008 in by Catriona

NICK: I’ve discovered a new way to read the old classics.
ME: The what?
NICK: The old classics.
ME: I don’t know what you mean by that.
NICK: You know—books written more than three years ago.
ME: Ah. So, “the classics,” then.
NICK: Yes.
ME: How, then?
NICK: An iPhone app.
ME: Right.
(Pause.)
ME: But it’s not as though you needed an easier way—they’re scattered all over the house!
NICK: Yes, but if it’s on a computer, it’s more interesting.

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-Seven

Posted 28 October 2008 in by Catriona

While Nick is kindly cooking:

ME: Honey, please throw rubbish straight in the bin. The kitchen is a disaster.
(Yes, I am a harridan.)
NICK: Yes, dear.
ME: Do not use your hen-pecked voice.
NICK: Oooh. But I only use it when I’m feeling hen-pecked.

Hmm.

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-Six

Posted 27 October 2008 in by Catriona

The type of conversation we have when watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 after watching Harvey Birdman:

ME: All right, if we have a child, you can call it Avenger.
NICK: So, if it’s a boy, Steve Rogers Avenger Caldwell Mills.
ME: I think Mills Caldwell works better than Caldwell Mills.
(Why? Why did I think that was the important point here?)
NICK: It’s just alphabetical. And, if it’s a girl, Scarlet Witch Avenger.
ME: Okay.
NICK: Well, it’s better than The Wasp Avenger Mills Caldwell.

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-Five

Posted 25 October 2008 in by Catriona

The type of conversation you have when one party (guess which?) has spent the entire day reading Neil Gaiman’s Sandman comics:

ME: You know, there’s nothing good about a hug from some random stranger.
NICK: True. But I’m not a random stranger. I am Nicholas, your boyfriend.
ME: So you say, but how do I know? How can I be sure of that?
(Pause)
ME: Ooh, now I’ve freaked myself out!
NICK: Well, then, you’ve learnt a valuable lesson, haven’t you?

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-Four

Posted 15 October 2008 in by Catriona

A storm-inspired strange conversation:

ME: I’d like to take some pictures of the lightning, but even on continuous shooting, I don’t have any warning. If the thunder only came first, that would be convenient.
NICK: Yes. But then the laws of physics would have to change.
ME: True.
NICK: And then your camera wouldn’t work, because it reacts to light.
ME: And also, I would probably explode.
NICK: Indeed. If, in fact, you’re able to plode in the first place.

No, I don’t know what he meant, either. But it made me laugh.

Putting Knowledge Of Classic Books To Use in Pubs

Posted 10 October 2008 in by Catriona

Several years ago, now, but alas, not in a trivia competition:

SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED GENTLEMAN AT BAR: You celebrating something, love?
ME: Yep.
SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED GENTLEMAN AT BAR: What’s that?
ME: Oh, I just graduated with my Honours degree.
SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED GENTLEMAN AT BAR: What in?
ME: English Literature.
SLIGHTLY INTOXICATED GENTLEMAN AT BAR: Great! Can you give me a synopsis of James Joyce’s Ulysses in a single sentence?
ME: I . . . can try.

True story.

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-Three

Posted 7 October 2008 in by Catriona

While watering my bamboo, the only plant I’ve ever been able to keep alive, for the second time tonight:

(It’s worth noting that the only reason I’ve been able to keep it alive is because bamboo is so tough, not thanks to any undue care on my part.)

ME: Oh, someone’s a thirsty little plant. Because Mummy’s been neglecting you, hasn’t she? Because Mummy doesn’t really deserve plants, does she?
NICK: Treena?
ME: Yep?
NICK: Don’t let the plant see the crazy.
ME: The plant’s not going to tell anyone.
NICK: I repeat my objection.

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-Two

Posted 4 October 2008 in by Catriona

Preparing for a D&D session:

NICK: So I’ll grab those clothes off the line, and then I’ll take a quick whizz through the bathroom.
(Pause)
NICK: And then I’ll probably clean it.
ME: I was going to say something, but then I thought, “Do you really want to encourage him?” And I thought, “No. No, I don’t.”
NICK: I encourage myself!

Strange Conversations: Part Fifty-One

Posted 1 October 2008 in by Catriona

After a discussion about the phenomenon of yuppie survivalists:

NICK: Of course, it would be good, in the event of a zombie apocalypse, to have a shotgun in the house.
ME: You’re not getting a shotgun.
NICK: Well, there may not be a zombie apocalypse either, but it’s best to be prepared.

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