Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: I think I’ve hit rock bottom.
NICK: This song is definitely rock bottom.
ME: Was that necessary?
NICK: I thought you were setting that up.
ME: You thought I was setting up a slap at my own musical tastes?
NICK: Sometimes one does that, if one wants to be generous. Actually, this song isn’t that bad.
ME: Really?
NICK: No. I actually don’t like this song at all.

ME: I wonder why they didn’t use a picture of King Alfred burning the cakes.
NICK: When did King Arthur burn the cakes?
ME: Not Arthur. Alfred. Alfred the Great. He burned the old woman’s cakes. It’s basically his whole thing. Didn’t you know that?
NICK: I’ve never heard that before.
ME: You probably don’t even know which king died of a surfeit of lampreys.
NICK: A surfeit of what?
ME: In fact, you’ve probably never heard of Ethelred the Unready.
NICK: I have too!
ME: It’s a pun, you know.
NICK: Yes, you’ve told me that. Many times.
ME: Shut up.

NICK: I forgot to buy you more patches!
ME: I forgot, too! And I was at the shops and everything!
NICK: These are the sort of things I need to set as reminders on my phone.
ME: And what did you do instead?
NICK: I asked my phone why all the rum was gone.
ME: And what did your phone say?
NICK: It tried to direct me to a bottle shop.

NICK: I’ll have to try and upgrade you tonight.
ME: Darling, I have a headache.
NICK: That’s why you need an upgrade!

ME: Nick, what did we say about mocking my taste in music by singing along in a Dorset accent?
NICK: I just thought of a clever lyric!
ME: What did we say about it?
NICK: We said it was awesome and I should keep doing it?

ME: Honey, is it my imagination, or are we waging a secret and silent battle over who’s finally going to crack and take all these toilet rolls and empty toilet-paper packets out of the bathroom?
NICK: I’m assuming I’ve already won that battle.

ME: Don’t think there’s any chance of me being too cold to fall asleep tonight.
NICK: Hopefully not.
ME: Well, I was all right last night, once somebody got up and got me an extra blanket.
NICK: I’m sorry about that.
ME: No, you’re not.
NICK: I am too!
ME: At least now I know you wouldn’t jump in front of a bullet for me.
NICK: If I was awake I might!

NICK: I’m sorry. I was being hyperbolic.
ME: I’m not going to tell you again—hyperbole is exaggeration for comedic effect.
NICK: Well, I thought I was being funny.
ME: And I’m not going to tell you that again, either—it’s not funny unless everybody laughs.

ME: That’s why I drink so much.
NICK: Oh, Treena. You drink to forget.
ME: Forget what?
NICK: I don’t know. I’ve forgotten.
ME: So I drink, and you forget?
NICK: It seems to be working out so far.

A Rosh Hashanah strange conversation.

ME: Apparently, Yom Kippur is one holiday often observed by secular Jews who don’t observe other holidays.
NICK: So, like Christmas.
ME: Not … really. I think they observe it in a religious fashion.
NICK: Ah.
ME: Whereas plenty of people, like us, observe Christmas in a purely secular fashion. I don’t think there’s much chance of observing Yom Kippur in a secular fashion, what with the fasting and the abstaining from pleasures of the flesh.
NICK: So, that was an inexact metaphor, then.
ME: It wasn’t so much a metaphor as an analogy. But, yes, it was inexact, as I am explaining to you at some length.
NICK: And also I smell bad?

ME: I still need to make a birthday cake tonight. And this living room is not fit for human habitation. Or non-human habitation.
NICK: What kind of non-humans do you mean?
ME: What d’you mean?
NICK: Well, Cybermen wouldn’t care, for example.
ME: I don’t know about that. Have you ever seen a cluttered Cybership?
NICK: But they’re not emotional. So they’d just say, “This is cluttered” and not think about it any more.
ME: I’d be really hurt if a Cyberman came into my house and said, “This is cluttered.”
NICK: The thing to remember is that they’re not emotional, but they’re also not very tactful.

ME: The closer to the Equator, the hotter it is. Right?
NICK: Generally, yes. Why?
ME: I need that information to make a joke on the Internet.
NICK: Fair enough.

ME: I can’t believe you bought a pencil sharpener on the Internet. Can I have a look?
NICK: Yes, but be careful. There’s an instructional video for it.
ME: I can’t believe you bought a pencil sharpener that requires an instructional video.

But the sad thing is that I can believe it all too readily.

The strange places to which a conversation about “The Curse of Fenric” can lead you.

NICK: I think it was set in Whitley Bay.
ME: I think that’s highly unlikely.
NICK: Well, wherever Dracula came ashore.
ME: You’re thinking of Whitby. Whitley Bay is where people from the Felling go on a seaside holiday.
NICK: People from the Felling? You mean hobbits?

Inspired by the sudden sight of a Sons of Anarchy poster:

ME: Who is that?
NICK: Your type, apparently.

Then he laughed for at least ten minutes.

ME: It’s not that funny.
NICK: It really is.
ME: It’s been a long day.
NICK: I know.
ME: I just got my tone wrong. The sentence was meant to sound interrogative. Instead, it came out as …
NICK: Yearning?
ME: Yeah. A bit.