Articles in “Strange Conversations”

Is this how all relationships work?

ME: I mean, if we’d moved in together in our 30s, you would probably have left me, because I’m horrible.
NICK: True.
ME: But we were young, and you put up with me, and I got better.
NICK: You have got a lot better.
(Pause)
ME: I don’t like you.
NICK: I’m going to blow my nose.

We only have these conversations when I’m marking.

ME: Would you say “Count both Nick and me in” or “Count both Nick and I in”?
NICK: “Count us both in.”
ME: I was asking a specific question.
NICK: Oh. “Count both Nick and . . . me in?”
ME: Perfectly correct.
NICK: Ah, I see. You were testing me.
ME: And the reason we use the objective pronoun case is . . . ?
NICK: You give me a biscuit?

Talking Wii Fit. Again.

ME: How was your age and your weight?
NICK: Actually, down a bit.
ME: How much?
NICK: 0.4 of a kilo.
ME: That’s the same amount of weight as I gained. This can’t be a coincidence.
NICK: Why can’t it?
ME: You’re stealing my weight loss! You transferred 0.4 kilos of your weight to me as I slept!
NICK: That’s so gross.
ME: Why?
NICK: Well, how would I do that?
ME: Black magic.
NICK: Oh. Well, that’s okay, then.

In which we discuss rain:

ME: It’s stotting down.
NICK: Ken Stott -ing.
ME: No.
NICK: I think it is.
ME: No.
NICK: It’s solid and dour.
ME: No.

Discussing my rain photographs from earlier today:

ME: I also took this picture.

ME: But I didn’t post it.
NICK: But that’s great!
ME: Really? I thought it sucked.
NICK: It looks like a Krynoid is trying to eat the house. It’s awesome.
ME: Krynoids eating the house is not awesome.
NICK: No. But when it looks like they’re going to eat the house and they don’t? That’s awesome.

My best friend has just sent me this conversation, which she had with her elder son (whom I call my nephew):

ELDER NEPHEW: Do you know why Auntie Treena loves the colour blue?
BEST FRIEND: No. Why?
ELDER NEPHEW: ‘Cause it’s the colour of the sonic screwdriver.

Makes me proud to think I was the one to buy him his first sonic screwdriver.

In which I fret about whether to put a cardigan on over a strappy dress.

NICK: I think you’re looking better than you have for ages.
ME: Gee, thanks.
NICK: What?
ME: “I think you’re looking better than you have for ages”?
NICK: It’s a compliment! I think you’re substantially improved!

NICK: I’m going to eat a chocolate bunny and play video games.
ME: We don’t have any chocolate bunnies.
NICK: “Chocolate bunny” is more of a metaphor.
ME: No, it’s not.
NICK: Bugger. Well, I’ll just have to have something else.
ME: You can have a chocolate egg. We have chocolate eggs coming out the wazoo. And that is a metaphor.

Checking out the blisters where Nick burnt himself with a splatter of hot oil:

NICK: And there was a packet of tomatoes next to the stove, and I noticed the packaging had been burnt through by splatter.
ME: Well, that’s why you shouldn’t cook without a shirt on. Also, your pans are too hot.
NICK: My what?
ME: Pans.
NICK: Oh, pans. I thought you said my pants were too hot.
ME: No, your pants aren’t too hot.
NICK: Really? Oh.
ME (sighing): They’re exactly hot enough.
NICK: Woohoo!

Debating the lack of coffee:

ME: Whose fault was that, then? Hmm?
NICK: Society.
ME: The society of Nick.
NICK: Well, that is my definition of society, yes.