Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: I slept with my nicotine patch on again last night. Which explains why I dreamt of diseased eyeballs.
NICK: Yeah, I noticed that, but I didn’t want to wake you up to take it off. Or risk taking it off myself.
ME: Next time, wake me. Or just rip it off.
NICK: Really?
ME: Diseased eyeballs.
NICK: That does sound pretty bad, actually.

Via text-message, after I’d left a Dungeons & Dragons game early, leaving Nick to play my Elf Ranger:

NICK: Just killed a little Steven for you. 22 hit points with a Thundertusk Boar Strike.
ME: Steven? I hate that guy.
NICK: Wyvern.
ME: Not Steven? Damn.

And via text-message, after a doctor’s appointment:

ME: The indigestion is from the anti-inflammatories.
NICK: That makes sense. As you have been taking various forms for some time. And have been having issues for some Tim.
ME: Which Tim?
NICK: Autocorrect Tim!
ME: Oh, that guy.

Putting the “strange” back in “strange conversations”:

NICK: I’ll give you a billion quatloos if you can find the other one of these socks. With the dark blue toes.
ME: I’m not doing anything for a billion quatloos.
NICK: But it’s valid currency in Star Wars. I think. Or Star Trek. Anyway, I found it myself so the deal’s off.

Via text message:

NICK: Okay, on my way home now.
ME: All right. I’ll ask my other boyfriend to leave, then.
NICK: Excellent.
ME: You’d probably really like him. I do.
NICK: Probably. I’ve alway got on well with people.

ME: Someone’s just re-tweeted ‘If you ever feel lonely, remember—you’re never truly alone. There’s always that clown that lives in your wardrobe.’
NICK: That’s harsh.
ME: I can’t sleep now.
NICK: I’ll protect you. I’m a noted clown killer.
(Pause for incredulous look)
NICK: I’ve never told you this before, and it’s been a long time since I had to … put down a clown, but I was once highly regarded.

ME: Are you having an Ice Break?
NICK: Yes.
ME: And is it your second Ice Break today?
NICK: Yes.
ME: And are you going to die of a heart attack and leave me as a comely young widow?
NICK: I hope not.
ME: You hope I’m not comely or you hope I’m not a widow?
NICK: Um, the second one.
ME: Well, you never married me, so I won’t be.
NICK: Good!
ME: You’ll still be dead, though.

NICK: That’s another thing to discuss with your doctor.
ME: Oh, for goodness’ sake. It’s just a swollen ankle.
NICK: It’s good to discuss it, so that he can fix you.
ME: I don’t need to be “fixed”.
NICK: Not you. Your issues.
(Long pause)
NICK: Let’s have a little cuddle.
ME: Go away.
NICK: Okay.

ME: You know we have the Snow Leopard disc, because it was in my handbag for ages, until I got annoyed and put it on your desk for you to put away.
NICK: So it’s around here somewhere. We’ll find it.
ME: Less of the “we”, sweetie.
NICK: I like to be inclusive so you don’t feel left out.
(Long pause)
ME: You don’t want me to feel left out of the process of searching frantically for something that’s only lost because you didn’t put it back where it belongs in the first place?
NICK: I meant left out of the general hustle and bustle of life.

NICK: I found it!
ME: So, you mean it was exactly where I told you it would be?
NICK: That’s not surprising. Things are usually where you tell me they’ll be.
ME: So why did you spend half an hour looking in other places?
ME: Oh, that’s just because I wasn’t listening.

ME: I can’t believe you talked me into buying a new desk chair.
NICK: Look, you’re a knowledge worker …
ME: Brainworker, honey. We pigs are brainworkers. That’s why we need all the apples and milk.
NICK: Okay, whatever.