Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: Honey? Can you leave me a list of all the passwords to your social-networking sites in a drawer somewhere? Then, if you’re hit by a car or something, I can deal with those.
NICK: Do you know my main password?
ME: No.
NICK: Oh. Because that would get you into One Password and solve all those problems.
ME: Honey, I don’t use One Password. Also? I will be grieving.
NICK: Oh.
ME: Just leave a list. Then I can get into Twitter and say, “Nick’s dead. Sod off!”

NICK: Is it time to get up?
ME: I’ve decided you’ve slept in long enough, and now I’m going to stand over you judgementally until you get up and make me a cup of coffee.
(Long pause)
NICK: Wow. You weren’t kidding, were you?

NICK: So next time I smirk at Alison Brie, you can’t say anything.
ME: I certainly can, and will. Just like you do when I get that look on my face when Boromir turns up in Fellowship of the Ring.
NICK: I just laugh at you.
ME: I suppose it is a bit laughable.
NICK: Now you’re putting words in my mouth! Admittedly, they’re the words I used, but still!

ME: Want to see Jane Eyre tomorrow night?
NICK: Sure!
ME: It’s good for you. It’s like reading a book.
NICK: I know! I do that sometimes!
ME: It’s not “reading” when you’re looking at the pictures, honey, whatever art historians tell you.
NICK: OMG.
ME: Are you more annoyed by the slam at your literacy or the slam at art historians?
NICK: Both. Equally!
ME: The latter was below the belt. I recant it.

In which Nick (finally) notices the (extremely large and prominent) necklace he bought me, which arrived in the mail today:

NICK: Hey! That looks great!
ME: It does, doesn’t it?
NICK: How long have you been wearing that?
ME: Since I picked you up from work.
NICK: Oh.
ME: In fact, since about 1pm.
NICK: Oh.
ME: It’s okay, honey. You’re just a terrible boyfriend.
NICK: Really?
ME: Not really. I’d much rather you did the washing up while I’m marking than that you notice when I get six inches cut off my hair.

ME: Honey, can you come here?
NICK: Not only can, but will.
ME: No!
NICK: What?
ME: Don’t you dare criticise my inaccurate use of auxiliary verbs while I’m in the middle of marking!
NICK: But I …
ME: No!
NICK: Okay, I have no idea what just happened.

ME: Actually, he was pretty hot in that episode of Community.
NICK: You think?
ME: Yeah. I didn’t see the appeal of Sawyer, but I’m a sucker for a man in a ten-gallon hat.
NICK: Really?
ME: What can I say? I watched a lot of Westerns as a kid.
NICK: Now I’m wondering where I can get a ten-gallon hat.
ME: Honey, I’m also a sucker for men with long hair, because I discovered I was straight in the early ’80s. Doesn’t mean you have to grow your hair.
NICK: And you’re still straight in the early ’80s.
ME: Pardon?
NICK: Okay, that’s not fair. You have evolved. A bit.

An extension of a Twitter conversation about self-importance:

ME: But if I don’t keep that secret from my students, I’ll have to rule by fear. And that’s so tiring.
NICK: Simple solution? Get a Death Star.
ME: Honey, one of my classes is twenty-two students and me in a room that takes a maximum of twenty-four people. There’s no way I’m getting a Death Star in there.
NICK: Good point.
ME: And that’s how I choose to undercut that argument?
NICK: It made sense to me.
ME: Really? Because it sounded like the stupidest reason ever to me. “Oh, I can’t have a Death Star. The room’s too small.”

Talking a class through a professional-editing exercise:

ME: So, how would you annotate that problem?
STUDENT: I’d say, “Don’t be a pompous douchebag.”
ME: As a general rule, it’s best to avoid any phrases that, for example, I wouldn’t write on a student’s assignment.
STUDENT: But if you wrote “Don’t be a pompous douchebag” on my assignment, I’d just think, “You’re right, I was being a pompous douchebag.”

ME: Those brown linen trousers of mine aren’t going to last much longer. I don’t know what will happen to my wardrobe when they’re gone.
NICK: They just don’t seem to be making trousers these days.
ME: Of course they’re making trousers. They’re just not making trousers for women who are short and fat.
NICK: You’re not short. You’re at the tall end of medium.
(Pause)
NICK: What? What are you looking at me like that for?

ME: I’m not sure about this blanket.
NICK: I think it looks great.
ME: Yes, but you also think that knitting is witchcraft.
NICK: That’s true. I don’t think it’s relevant, but it’s true.

NICK: Yeah, she’s taking valuable shelf space away from the rest of us!
ME: And by “the the rest of us”, you mean me? Because you aren’t publishing anything soon.
NICK: I might produce a short monograph on my adventures.
ME: What, your adventures between the bathroom and the kitchen?
NICK: And on the bus! My … commute. And the grocery store, sometimes. And when I go to get takeaway …
ME: Honey, you’re killing me.

After listening to a radio advert in which Darth Vader tries to put his TIE fighter in for service:

NICK: The experimental TIE interceptor!
ME: I don’t think even Darth Vader knows that much about his TIE fighter.
NICK: Darth Vader doesn’t need to. (Darth Vader voice) “I like that TIE fighter. Give it to me.”
ME: Is Darth Vader played by Arnold Schwarzenegger now?
NICK: Oh my god!
ME: Seriously. That sounds exactly like Schwarzenegger would sound doing Darth Vader.
NICK (Darth Vader voice): I find your lack of faith in my Darth Vader voice disturbing.
ME: Seriously, can’t you hear that?
NICK: Force choke!
ME: It doesn’t seem to be working.
NICK (Darth Vader voice): Give me my light saber.
ME: You can’t hear that?
NICK: Actually, that did sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Light saber. Light saber. Damn, it’s all I can hear now.
ME: Honey, you have to stop this. I can’t laugh this hard and steer the car at the same time.

NICK: Treena is a specialist in happiness and joy.
ME: No, I’m a nineteenth-century scholar. You must have me confused with someone else.
NICK: Oh, I’m a specialist in happiness and joy!

Then he did a little dance.

ME: Here, get rid of this.
NICK: Recycling?
ME: Well, it’s an empty cardboard tube, so I don’t know what else you’d do with it.
NICK: I’m just going to pretend it’s a light saber for two minutes first.