Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: Oh, look—someone’s folded my doona over so it only takes up about a foot of bed space while yours is sprawled everywhere.
NICK: It’s all part of my cunning plan to annex Bedtopia.
ME: … Bedtopia? Otherwise known as “the bed”?
NICK: Not really.
ME: What’s the difference between “the bed” and “Bedtopia”?
NICK: It’s like the difference between a country and a nation.
ME: So Bedtopia is …?
NICK: More of a geo-political construct.
ME: A geo-political construct that you can annex with your doona?
NICK: Obviously, there’ll be treaties.

NICK: Heh. Zachary Levi from Chuck is voicing one of the major NPCs in Fallout: New Vegas.
ME: I am deeply excited by this news.
NICK: Also, you get shot in the face by Matthew Perry at the start of the game.
ME: You are weird and a bit wrong.
NICK: True. But I do intend to shoot giant geckoes with plasma rifles soon.
ME: Yes. That’s more of an “and” than a “but,” though, isn’t it?
NICK: … Yes.

In which I knock over a wine bottle.

ME: That was a bit stupid. I’m not normally stupid.
NICK: No, you’re as clever as a monkey.
ME: Monkeys aren’t clever. They throw their own poo around.
NICK: It’s a natural response to the horror of existence.
ME: I will break up with you.
NICK: No you won’t.
ME: If you start throwing your poo around, I definitely will.
NICK: For monkeys, I said! Not for people!
ME: You didn’t specify that in your original statement. And if you start throwing your poo around as a natural expression of the horror of existence, I will break up with you.
NICK: When you put it like that, it seems quite reasonable.

In which we discuss my ambitious plans to pin-tuck a taffeta skirt by hand:

NICK: You’re doing well so far.
ME: I haven’t even started!
(Pause)
NICK: I am Nick from the future. I have caused a causality inversion by coming here. I must leave now.
ME: That’s one possibility. Or you’re just not listening to me.
NICK: I don’t really listen to anyone! My head is too full of stuff! It’s like a cacophony.
ME: Your head is full of nothing. It’s like an echo chamber.
NICK: That’s a bit harsh!
ME: So is not listening to me.
NICK: It’s not that I don’t want to . . .

ME: It’s oranges and apples, hon.
NICK: Oranges and apples are not the only fruit.
ME: No. If they were, you wouldn’t be able to sex the cherry.
NICK: Well played.
ME: I thought so.

At the shopping centre, early Sunday morning. (Well, earylish. 9:30am counts as early on a Sunday.)

ME: It’s really weird here. Why are there only three other cars here? Where’s everybody else?
NICK: Dunno.
ME: Oh no!
NICK: What?!
ME: Zombie apocalypse.
NICK: It’s possible.
(Long pause, in which we examine all the convenient hiding places nearby.)
ME: Look, that man’s going in!
NICK: Well, we’ll watch and see if he gets eaten.
(We watch. He makes it through the automatic doors safely.)
ME: Maybe they don’t attack until you’re well inside?
NICK: We’ll keep watching, just in case.
ME: He’s looking at us! Try and look as though we’re not waiting for him to get eaten by a zombie!