Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: Well, that’s me done. How am I ever going to catch a man now?
NICK: You’ve caught me hook, line, and sinker.
ME: But …
NICK: And I’m the closest to a man you can expect.
ME: But I had a witty riposte!
NICK: Yeah, I holed that one below the waterline.

NICK: I’m seriously considering asking for two days off before the Ekka holiday.
ME: Oh, good! We can finish the spring cleaning in one go.
NICK: Right, gone off that idea fairly comprehensively. Dammit, woman!

ME: How is it that this spring-cleaning was your idea, but I’m doing three-quarters of the work?
NICK: I’m working!
ME: I don’t dispute that. I’m just saying you’re only doing one-quarter of it.
NICK: My pride rises up in revolt at that idea.
ME: Well, then, your pride can’t count.

In which we discuss my shifting of an old photograph of us into a new, Apple-branded photo frame.

ME: I thought it was apt, because you love your Mac more than you love me.
NICK: Yeah.
ME: Were you listening to what I just said?
NICK: Yeah.
(Pause)
NICK: I love you?
ME: You weren’t listening to what I said at all, were you?
NICK: I was … listening to what I thought you said. And I’m just now realising that may not have been the same thing as what you actually said.
(Pause)
NICK: Bugger.

In which we discuss the horrible, horrible music in the Jon Pertwee episode “The Sea Devils”, which had already prompted Nick to complain, “That video game conference they’re holding next door is really distracting”.

NICK: This is a picture of the machine that made those horrible noises.
ME: That’s terribly interesting.
NICK: I don’t think you’re treating this with the appropriate level of interest.
ME: Oh, I think you’ll find that I am.

NICK: Katy Manning’s stunt double was actually Stuart Fell.
ME: But I said on Twitter it was Terry Walsh.
NICK: I know.
ME: Well, if you want to out me on Twitter as not recognising Terry Walsh when I see him in a ladies’ pantsuit …
NICK: Not at all!
(Pause)
ME: Dammit, I’m going to have to do it myself. The curse of being an academic.
NICK: What, having a sense of intellectual honesty? I can see where that might be inconvenient.

ME: This episode of Farscape is so Rashōmon-y.
NICK: But it doesn’t seem to be for any purpose. Or to make any sense.
ME: Yeah. I don’t mind a Rashōmon episode, as long as there’s some kind of Rashōmon-ale behind it.

ME: The Google+ mobile version is running really slowly at the moment. I wonder if it’s because they’ve launched the app version?
NICK: I don’t know. They’re pretty keen on the Web.
(Pause)
ME: Google are “pretty keen” on the Web, eh?
NICK: I’m too tired for more complex thoughts.
ME: Honey, if you’re too tired for a more complex thought than “Google are pretty keen on the Web”, I think you’re technically dead.
NICK: That’s harsh.

In the DVD section:

ME: Oh, Highlander!
NICK: There can only be one of those DVDs. Oh, no: there’s two. What a disappointment.
ME: Don’t be silly, honey. One of them will behead the other shortly. But they can’t do it while we mundane people are watching.

ME: On a scale of one to ten, how much like a pineapple do I look?
NICK: Zero.
ME: Really?
NICK: You look fine.
ME: You know I’m talking about my hair, right? Because you seem to be looking at my shoes.

NICK: Sweet!
ME: What now?
NICK: I just levelled up!
ME: Oh, good. Now my life is complete.
NICK: Is it? Oh dear.
ME: Well, I assume you now have special powers with which you can make my life easier.
NICK: I may have some, yes.
ME: Such as?
NICK: Well, nothing, really.

NICK: A watched pot never boils.
ME: Yes, it does. It’s a simple chemical reaction.
NICK: It’s a physical reaction. There’s no chemistry involved.
ME: Physical. Chemical. Whatever.
MY FATHER: It’s a physical reaction. Nothing to do with chemistry.
ME: Be quiet. Both of you. My point is that a watched pot will boil as long as heat is applied.
MY FATHER: Not necessarily.
ME: As long as sufficient heat is applied. As long as sufficient heat is applied, a watched pot will boil.
MY FATHER: Oh, yes.
NICK: Well, as long as you’re at sea level.
ME: Go to hell. Seriously.

ME: Honey, you should try not to tread on your Transformers quilt. It’s getting a bit old for that.
NICK: It’s been a faithful man-servant.
ME: That quilt is a faithful man-servant?
NICK: Yes.
ME: For the past three months, I’ve been sleeping under a faithful man-servant?
NICK: Well, when in Rome …
ME: We’re not in Rome.
NICK: True. I can’t really back that up.

ME: I want my parcel to arrive!
NICK: I know! It should be soon.
ME: You say that, but it could be any time.
NICK: Yes, but it’s more likely than not to be soon. This morning, anyway.
ME: You don’t know that. You’re never home for deliveries.
NICK: I know, but I track them on my phone!

ME: Is this Mental As Anything?
NICK: Yep.
ME: Didn’t we once accidentally see them play in Queen Street Mall?
NICK: Did we?
ME: Yeah. But we didn’t hang around.
NICK: I’ve always regretted that. I like Mental As Anything.
ME: How can you have always regretted it? You didn’t even remember it until I reminded you just now.
NICK: It was a sudden explosive regret.
ME: Is that even possible?
NICK: You don’t know it’s not.