Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: So, will my tweet about Torchwood show up in the Twitter feed? Even though I didn’t explicitly tag it?
NICK: Well, there is a text-based search that indexes all the content.
ME: Right.
NICK: Tagging isn’t necessary. It just makes it easier for third-party tools that use it.
(Pause)
ME: There are a lot of third-party tools using Twitter, aren’t there?

NICK: Well, you might want to make notes while you’re writing.
ME: You know, you’d think that. But it’s not working that way—I’m just keeping the ideas on my head, sitting down, and just writing.
NICK: I’ve always thought you had an instinct for narrative.
ME: I have an instinct for melodrama and self-dramatisation, as well. Doesn’t mean I should be a playwright.
NICK: Well, I don’t know.

When you suspect your partner isn’t actually listening to you:

ME: So, I actually own two different trilogies both set in vampire boarding schools.
NICK: Yes, you do.
ME: I rock.
NICK: Yes, you do.

NICK: But is she doing it deliberately? I mean, does she know she’s being a complete nimrod?
ME: I don’t think so. And, anyway, Nimrod was a great king of men.
NICK: I was thinking more of the Marvel character.

ME: When did you buy a copy of Writing and Difference?
NICK: Oh, ages ago. I should probably get around to reading it one of these days.
ME: Well, you’re not to tell people in the street that you haven’t read Derrida. I’d die of shame.

ME: I’m worried about my novel.
NICK: Oh, you don’t need another thing in your life to worry about. Anyway, it sounds as though it’s going very smoothly.
ME: That’s what’s worrying me.
NICK: The thing you have to remember is this. First. Draft. You need to turn off your inner editor for this.
ME: No! Do I?
NICK: But you know this!
ME: I know I do. That’s why I was being sarcastic with you.
NICK: But you act as thought you don’t know it! So I have to tell you! So I was right all along! So there!
ME: You suck so much.
NICK: No, I don’t. I’m adorable.

ME: I was wondering . . .
NICK: Yes?
ME: No, never mind.
NICK: No, what is it?
ME: I’ve decided not to ask any more questions.
NICK: Ever?
ME: Well, that would be silly.
NICK: I didn’t think you’d be able to keep that up.
ME: Thank you. No, I’ve just decided not to ask any more questions about why there’s a bag of onions on my death chair.
NICK: Ah. Well, there’s an explanation for that . . .
ME: Let me guess. They started out as milk?
NICK: And time makes fools of us all.
ME: Well, it certainly makes a fool of you with startling regularity.
NICK: Bloody hell!

NICK: Well, I need to get my butt into gear.
ME: Yep.
NICK: My butt does not get naturally into gear.
ME: Nope.
NICK: It has some problems in that regard.
ME: Yep, I know. Perhaps we should have its gear-box replaced?
NICK (wandering off): Maybe.
(Pause)
NICK (from the kitchen): REPLACE YOUR BUTT GEARS!
(Pause)
ME: Well, that went to a weird place.
NICK: Yes. Yes, it did.