Articles in “Strange Conversations”

Watching Euro 2012:

ME: I thought that was an extremely excited nun, but it was just a man in a black T-shirt standing in front of a man in a white shirt.
NICK: Little-known secret—that’s what most nuns are.

ME: Okay, it’s gone. I’m going to drink coffee now. And then mark many, many exam papers.
NICK: Coffee of kings!
ME: What? What of what?
NICK: You’re drinking the drink of champions this morning. You have sent off your final draft.
ME: It’s three-day-old coffee out of the fridge.
NICK: That too.

ME: Take your shoes off in the bedroom, please.
NICK: I know! I just like to be with you.
ME: You do not. You weren’t with me for the last hour, ever since we got home.
NICK: I know. But I wasn’t liking it.

Fretting about my father-in-law’s Christmas blanket (in progress):

ME: I’m not sure about this.
NICK: Treena, you’re on target.
ME: Are you going to make a Star Wars joke?
NICK: Turn off your targeting comp … no.

NICK: Given how much stuff we apparently have, it’s surprising that we—mainly you—manage to keep it looking so neat.
ME: Yes.
NICK: We use our space well.
ME: We?
NICK: I’m trying to express … I don’t want to make it sound like you’re the domestic … the domestic … This isn’t going at all well. Oh, dear.

ME: Oh noes. Oh noes! OH NOES!
NICK (from the bathroom): Treena, what is actually happening right now?
ME: I’m having trouble getting my cardigan on.
NICK (from the bathroom): Is this something I have to prevent myself urinating over?
ME: Not really.
NICK (from the bathroom): That didn’t come out right.
ME: Well, there’s your problem.

ME: As I said in the note, I always like to be colour co-ordinated at home, in case there’s an unexpected missionary and they think I’m a slob.
NICK: (Laughs)
ME: That wasn’t a joke, babe.
NICK: I know, but it was still funny.

Hmm.

ME: Honey, I’m sure you can see that it’s really annoying to have to tell you the same thing over and over again because you don’t listen.
NICK: I think the solution is for you just to tell me properly the first time.

Hmmm.

ME: I know you think you’re tall, you just make yourself look big. Like a cat.
NICK: Or one of those bullfrogs.
ME: They only do that to attract girls. You better not be trying to attract girls.
NICK: Only Treena.
ME: Too late.
NICK: You’re already fully attracted?
(Pause)
ME: Yes, I suppose that is a legitimate interpretation of what I just said. Well done.
NICK: I win!
ME: Only this round.

ME: Don’t flick that at me!
NICK: Tcah!
ME: And don’t make that noise! I’m only asking that you don’t wildly fling daddy-long-legs in my direction.
NICK: I suppose that is fair enough.
ME: I thought so.

ME: Did you ever wonder whether, even though this looks like a perfectly ordinary house and we’re the only ones here, maybe we’re under the constant supervision of a Big Brother-style …
NICK: Um …
ME: No, bear with me here.
NICK: I think I’m going to have to.

NICK: I don’t know what we’re going to do, Treen.
ME: Other than you getting on a chair and changing the battery?
NICK: Yes, other than that.
ME: We’re just going to have to kill it with fire. Oh, wait!
NICK: What?
ME: It’s a fire alarm.
NICK: I know that.
ME: It’s probably immune to fire spells.
NICK: Oh yeah. It would be.

Another fine plan up in flames.

(And, lest you make the obvious suggestion, I can’t reach the fire alarm even standing on a chair. Curse you, high ceilings.)

ME: I look vastly paler when I’m standing next to you.
NICK: You really shouldn’t be so pale. It’s not healthy.
ME: Maybe you shouldn’t be so pink. Have you thought of that? Maybe that’s not healthy.
NICK: I am ruddy with health! I imagine.

Via text-message.

ME: This bus still hasn’t left. Maybe I did die in that coughing fit earlier. Maybe this is Purgatory.
NICK: Does that mean I’m in Purgatory too, since I’m getting these texts?
ME: No. It just means we have really good coverage.

ME: Could you do me a favour, since I’ve just noticed that you’ve apparently started throwing your used tissues under your desk?
NICK: Oh, that’s been there for ages.
(Pause)
ME: You do realise that doesn’t really ameliorate the situation, right?
NICK: Not really, no.