The Wine Bottle: A Play, In One Act (With Illustrations by George Cruikshank)

SCENE: The kitchen, in a quiet Brisbane suburb

ME: Nicholas!
NICK: Yes?
ME: Could you come here, now?
NICK: Oh, god. What have I done now?
ME: Could you explain why this is in the fridge?
NICK: Um . . .
ME: It’s a completely empty wine bottle.
NICK: Oh.
ME: Otherwise known as the crushing of my girlish hopes and dreams.
NICK: Well, I thought it was a full bottle of wine.
ME: Why would you think that? There’s nothing in it!
(Pause)
ME: ACK! Why are you touching me with a freezing cold wine bottle?
NICK: I was feeling in a mischievous mood.
ME: You’ll be feeling a wine bottle in a minute.

FINS

(And, yes: I lied about the George Cruikshank illustrations. But you can see his illustrations for “The Bottle”—a series of illustrations that were turned into a highly successful East End play—right here.)