Conversation With My Mother

Yes, all these happened in a single phone conversation.

MY MOTHER: Hello?
ME: Hi, Mam, It’s me!
MY MOTHER: (hangs up)
ME: Fair enough, then.

On a second attempt:

MY MOTHER: Hello?
ME: Well, you’ve never hung up on me before, so I thought “Is this accidental, or is there something going on here I don’t know about?”
MY MOTHER: Well, there was a pause and no one said anything, so I thought it was a telemarketer and hung up.
ME: You might want to upgrade the length of time you consider a “pause,” there.
MY MOTHER: Possibly.

My mother doesn’t believe phone conversations should be limited to actually talking to someone, and tends to wander:

MY MOTHER: Oh, the koi is lying on the bottom of the pond. I wonder if it’s dead? But it would probably float to the top. I suppose it’s just cold.
ME: I don’t think the cold would kill it. It gets quite cold in Japan. Doesn’t it snow there?
MY MOTHER: Well, that depends on the season.

And, finally, hammering out the logistics of a coming visit.

MY MOTHER: Your father is going to be bringing his computer.
ME: Why?
MY MOTHER: He always does. When we come to visit Nick, we bring the computer.
ME: He might want to start thinking about it as “visiting his daughter,” instead.
MY MOTHER: No, he doesn’t see it that way.

ME: Well, Nick wants to see the exhibition, as well. So you’d want to come over a weekend.
MY MOTHER: What exhibition?
ME: The Impressionists.
MY MOTHER: Oh, is there an Impressionists exhibition?
ME: Mam, that’s the reason you were coming to visit, remember?
MY MOTHER: Really?