by Catriona Mills

Articles in “Television”

Advertising Never Lets Me Down

Posted 23 June 2008 in by Catriona

I saw an advertisement for the new Mazda 6 earlier tonight and, while I have next to no interest in car advertisements, something struck me as a little odd.

Then, when I saw it again a moment ago, I realised what it was: they were quoting a magazine review that apparently read “Most cars have a fatal flaw, but not this one.”

A fatal flaw?

Most cars have a fatal flaw?

I know mine gets a little tetchy with me if I leave the air conditioning running for too long, but the situation’s never proven fatal.

The only way this would reassure me if they meant fatal flaw as it’s used to describe Shakespeare’s tragic heroes.

It’s a noble ambition in a car manufacturer, to work so hard to remove the hubris, jealousy, and ambition from their vehicles.

Dexter

Posted 22 June 2008 in by Catriona

So Dexter is coming to Channel 10. Dexter Uncut, according to the ad. we just saw.

(Just saw, that is, while we’re still desperately waiting for Rove to finish so we can watch Supernatural. Don’t get me wrong; there’s something charming about Rove as a person, but I have absolutely no interest in his programme. Plus, the ad. for Supernatural promised me an answer to an important question: will Dean kill someone to save his own life? My feeling is that the answer lies somewhere between “Yes” and “You just completely made that dilemma up for the purposes of advertising, didn’t you, Channel 10? I really wish you’d stop doing that.” But I still want to know the answer.)

Where was I?

Oh, right. Dexter.

We’ve already seen the first two seasons of Dexter—and loved it. It’s not easy to watch, and I wonder how it will do on Channel 10.

But what interested me in the Channel 10 ad. was the way they positioned Dexter as asking a series of questions: “Killer? Cop? Good? Evil?”

I turned to Nick and said, “Well, he’s not a cop.”

Dear Television Advertisers

Posted 16 June 2008 in by Catriona

Look, I know I’ve said this before, but—futile though it may be—I’m going to keep saying it.

These days—and I know this is a shock, but bear with me—these days, lots of people are women.

I know! But it’s true.

And—brace yourself, now—we actually have the franchise.

Some of us are even allowed to have money, and thus to exercise some degree of influence over the country’s economy.

So, bearing those points in mind, do you think maybe these factors—now that you’re aware of them, that is—might perhaps shift the way that you approach television advertising?

That would be great.

And if you could speak specifically to the people who are responsible for Mark Loves Sharon—whatever that is—I’d be really grateful.

Because I can’t even articulate the ways in which getting your kicks out of keeping bikini-clad women in otter enclosures is wrong.

What? Or, Why Television is Weird

Posted 15 June 2008 in by Catriona

TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENT FOR CSI: A crime so shocking, so mystifying . . . is this a case for the Mythbusters?
(Caption: Special Guest Stars: The Mythbusters)
ME: What?
NICK: What?
TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENT FOR CSI (sotto voce): Hang on, what did I just say?

Seriously—I realise that, as a good nineteenth-century scholar, I should be watching the BBC’s adaptation of Northanger Abbey. (I am going to watch it, but I was a bit scarred by an earlier adaptation that was apparently scripted by someone who has no understanding of the concept of irony.)

Perhaps my current confusion is a fair return for my decision to record Austen and watch CSI and Supernatural instead.

But I seriously think this belongs on my list of the most perplexing things I’ve ever seen on television—and I’ve seen at least one episode of Mutant X.

When Geeks Rule the World

Posted 13 June 2008 in by Catriona

One of the advantages of being Generation X—which almost outweighs the fact that you have to call yourself Generation X—is that the people moving into writing and directing positions now are often our age, and are mining our childhoods for reference material.

That’s one of the reasons why Nick and I so enjoy Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law and find it amusing when Unicef bombs the Smurf village.

So we’re already conditioned into looking for and delighting in intertextual references.

But that doesn’t quite explain the strange kind of madness that overtook us when we were watching Press Gang and realised that it uses an enormous number of actors who also appeared in Doctor Who.

This wouldn’t have concerned us, if it weren’t for the Steven Moffat connection.

Let’s face it: Nick and I are geeks.

We converse—not quite exclusively, but largely—in quotations from various books, movies, and video games, up to and including lines from WarCraft 2 (largely “Stop poking me!” and “Hi-ho, matey!”).

(Nick has, in fact, just been speaking in an appalling ‘European’ accent, and ended up by saying, “I don’t know why I’m trying to sound like Gunther, the Eurotrash vampire, but Sam and Max is a great game.”)

We’re prone to saying, when faced by events in the real world, “You know, that reminds me of [random episode of random show].”

I could go on, but that would just lead to me explaining how I once said “The geek shall inherit the earth” while I was giving a class on punctuation, and we all know how that story ends.

But the point is that we know how geeks think—which is why we’re not sure that this influx of former Doctor Who actors into a Steven Moffat—run show is entirely coincidental.

Of course, few of the major Press Gang characters have appeared in Doctor Who, if you don’t count Julia Sawalha’s appearance as the companion in the Comic Relief special “The Curse of Fatal Death”—and, since that was written by Moffat, I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Apart from Sawalha, there are only two exceptions: Lucy Benjamin, who played Julie Craig—once Head of Graphics, later Deputy Editor—also played the young Nyssa in “Mawdryn Undead” and Angela Bruce—Chrissy Stuart in the first two seasons of Press Gang—was, of course, Brigadier Winifred Bambera in “Battlefield.”

But consider the following list of guest stars, compiled by someone who has finished one major project and not started the next, and therefore has a lot of spare research energy floating around (or, at least, knows the URL for imdb.com).

Michael Jayston, who appeared as Colonel X/John England in “UnXpected”—an episode about a children’s television show that was a strange hybrid of Prisoner and Doctor Who, with a touch of Bond—also played The Valeyard, a shadowy semi-regeneration from between The Doctor’s twelfth and thirteenth regenerations, in “The Trial of a Time Lord.”

Also in “UnXpected,” were Eric Dodson, as Sir Edward, who played the Headman in “The Visitation,” and Brian Glover, as Dr Threeways, who played Griffiths in “Attack of the Cybermen.”

But it gets better, because in the same episode, as the psychiatrist Dr Clipstone, was perhaps the coolest guest star of all time: Michael Sheard. Not only did Sheard play the evil Mr Bronson in Grange Hill as well as once being choked the death by Darth Vader in the best of the three films (what prequels?), The Empire Strikes Back, but he was also in no fewer than six different Doctor Who stories, going back as far as 1966: as the headmaster of Coal Hill High School in “Remembrance of the Daleks,” Margrave in “Castrovalva,” Supervisor Lowe in “The Invisible Enemy,” Laurence Scarman in “Pyramids of Mars,” Dr Summers in “The Mind of Evil,” and Rhos in “The Arc.”

Or perhaps the coolest guest star was David Collings, who appeared in Press Gang as Mr Winters. He doesn’t have quite the Doctor Who credits on his CV that Sheard has, but he was in three episodes: as Vorus in “Revenge of the Cybermen,” as Poul in “Robots of Death,” and as Mawdryn in “Mawdryn Undead.”

Of course, while he was never choked to death by Vader, he was Silver in Sapphire and Steel, which is another degree of geek cool.

Also in “The Invisible Enemy,” as an opthamologist, was Jim McManus, who played Station Master Dutton in the Press Gang episode “Friends Like These.”

And “The Trial of a Time Lord” didn’t just have Michael Jayston—Sam Howard, who appeared as an unnamed “Teacher” in three Press Gang episodes, played Asta in that story.

Even the minor characters frequently appeared in Doctor Who episodes.

Peter Childs, playing the proprietor of a cafe, was also Jack Ward in “The Mark of the Rani.”

Tessa Shaw, who was a librarian in “Picking Up The Pieces,” was a UNIT Officer in “Spearhead from Space.”

Sharon Duce, who played Katherine Hill, was also Control in “Ghost Light”.

Paul Jerrico, a “TV policeman” in “Windfall,” was The Castellan in “Arc of Infinity”—“No, not the mind probe!”

Kevork Malikyan, who was Fahid in “Day Dreams,” was also Kemel Rudkin in “The Wheel in Space.”

Even the younger actors—the ones who haven’t been jobbing in the industry for twenty years—appear in Doctor Who episodes.

Christien Anholt, who was the tragic Donald Cooper in the two-part “The Last Word,” had previously played Perkins in the wonderful “Curse of Fenric.”

And, of course, Gian Sammarco—playing Benjamin Drexil in “Something Terrible,” a train-spotter who wanted a new image but didn’t think to mention that he was a black belt in judo and an accomplished mime—had followed up his role as Adrian Mole with the part of Whizzkid in “The Greatest Show in the Galaxy.”

It’s even moving in the other direction, now—Raymond Sawyer, who played Councillor Peter Mayhew in “Breakfast at Czar’s,” recently played the desk sergeant in Moffat’s new-series episode “Blink.”

(And do you think that character name is a coincidence? Or are we supposed to think of Chewbacca?)

But is there any more to this than a strong indication that giving me a blog was not necessarily the wisest move?

Probably not.

But I would like to think that it’s not just coincidence—that, on some level, Steven Moffat is thinking, “Now, who can we get to play this role? I know, there was that guy on Doctor Who once!”

I'm Officially Apologising to CSI: New York

Posted 5 June 2008 in by Catriona

I was perhaps a little hard on CSI: New York when I said they were pushing the grotesquery angle too far this season.

Because now I’m watching Bones.

Just in case, and it’s possible, you’re not actually watching Bones, this is an episode in which they find a woman’s body, in a trunk, with the bones removed.

Which is a little odd, the lack of bones, given that the show is called Bones, but I think that’s designed to allow Bones to work out the personal relationship she’s been exploring for the past three or four episodes . . . or something.

I forget.

I get bored with that angle.

But, be that as it may, the body stripped of bones and then stitched back up was bad enough.

Then they said that the body had been boiled first.

Bear in mind that we’d seen the body from at least four or five different angles at this point.

ME: Boiled? Did they actually say boiled?
NICK: Boiled?
SEELEY BOOTH: Boiled?

Yep, we were all pretty much uncomfortable with that, even the character paid to read the lines.

Then, it got worse.

They tried to recreate the dead woman’s face by . . . you know, I don’t want to go into details.

(A football bladder was involved.)

But we had to watch it: in fact, we had to watch it inflate and then deflate.

I honestly don’t think I’ve seen anything more revolting.

You know, Bones, I will keep watching you. I have enough residual affection for David Boreanaz, thanks to Angel, to watch almost anything except Valentine or . . . well, any movie he might make, actually.

But I would really, really appreciate it if you would avoid boiled bodies with their bones removed and, especially, anything to do with footballs.

Especially the footballs.

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