Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: Stuffing dollies is so tricky. How do you know when it’s enough stuffing?
NICK: You ask the impossible, madam!
ME: Stop pretending to be Adam Adamant.
NICK: But it’s such fun.

NICK: If you’d said you’d wanted dinner at 7pm, I’d have moved heaven and earth to make it happen.
ME: I’ve been saying I would like dinner at 7pm for the last twelve years.
NICK: But I thought you meant you wanted dinner at 7pm in the abstract.

ME: Your desperate need to contradict me has rather gotten away from you this time. You don’t need to contradict me all the time.
NICK: (mumble)
ME: Pardon?
NICK: I was going to say ‘I don’t’, but that would be contradicting you.

ME: I need you to promise me something very important.
NICK: Okay.
ME: Next time we’re playing Dungeons & Dragons, and we’re crossing a chasm on some kind of built structure, I need you to say, “To the bridge, to the bridge now.”
NICK: I’ll put a reminder in my phone.

ME: We all have our flaws.
NICK: Mine, for example, is my devotion to the Pope. Fanatical. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
(Pause)
ME: Darling, would you like me to list some of your actual, genuine flaws?
NICK: No!

ME: If I taught you to knit, we would have a shared hobby, and also you could do the long, boring purl rows on the lace shawl while I do the interesting pattern rows.
NICK: Um …
ME: But mostly shared hobby!
NICK: It’s an idea, anyway.
ME: Yeah, it’s probably as good as that idea you had for teaching me to play Diablo 2 so I could act as a packhorse for all your extra loot.
NICK: That wasn’t the only reason! It was just a nice bonus.

NICK: You are the simple best.
ME: Simple?
NICK: That didn’t come out right. I meant ‘simply the best.’
ME: Because I’m not simple by any definition. I’m actually quite complicated and demanding.
NICK: For advanced users only.
ME: Users?
NICK: That didn’t come out right.

NICK: If you’ve ever trusted me before …
ME: Not likely. You remember that time I was being silly, and you let me slip, and I hit my head on the verandah?
(Pause)
NICK: You’ve never trusted me before, but you can trust me now.

NICK: We can try that new cocoa!
ME: It’s not cocoa. It’s drinking chocolate.
NICK: Well, if there’s a scientifically quantifiable difference between the two of them that will hold up in court, I haven’t heard it.
ME: Are you a cocoa/drinking chocolate expert?
NICK: Yes.
ME: Are you a cocoa/drinking chocolate expert?
NICK: No.

(Five minutes later.)

NICK: I’m going to Google the difference!

(Five minutes after that.)

ME: So, since I didn’t hear anything, I take it there is a difference?
NICK: It’s very minor.

ME: (choking)
NICK: Are you okay?
ME: (choking)
NICK: What do you need?
ME: (choking)
NICK: Glass of water?
ME: (choking)
NICK: Glass of water?
ME: (choking)
NICK: Glass of water?
ME: (choking)
NICK: I’ll get a glass of water.

ME: Hey, do you fancy giving a bit of soft-focus adultery a go?
NICK: In what context? It’s important to clarify these things immediately.
ME: I meant watching Camelot.
NICK: Oh. Right.

NICK: I convinced you to go out with me, didn’t I? And I wanted that more than anything in the world.
ME: You did not!
NICK: I did too!
ME: More than Doctor Who coming back on telly?
(Pause)
NICK: Equal first!

ME: Why didn’t you tell me to turn the tap off?
NICK: It seemed more exciting this way.
ME: It seemed more exciting to get the outside of an electric kettle soaking wet?
NICK: Well, literally, yes.

ME: I don’t know what’s going on with my skin this winter. It’s a real struggle to keep the dryness at bay, even with my usual winter routine.
NICK: Hmm. Is there such a thing as a winter moisturiser?
ME: I’m using my winter moisturiser.
NICK: Well, we’ve exceeded my knowledge of skincare. I can’t help you.

NICK: Why are we arguing when I’m agreeing with you?
ME: Because there are different kinds of agreement, Nick.