Articles in “Strange Conversations”

ME: You know, not only have I never seen the 1987 live-action Masters of the Universe film with Dolph Lundgren …
NICK: Yes?
ME: But I never even knew there was a 1987 live-action Masters of the Universe film with Dolph Lungren.
NICK: What? O.M.G. (Note: Yes, he really said this. As an initialism.) It’s so bad.
ME: Of course it is. It’s a 1987 live-action Masters of the Universe film with Dolph Lundgren.
NICK: I saw it as a kid, and even then I thought it was bad.
ME: Impossible. It was 1987, when Dolph Lundgren was a god. Though it is set on Earth, right?
NICK: Right.
ME: That’s not right. It should be set on Eternia or nowhere.
NICK: But that’s what they did back then.
ME: Honey, don’t say “back then” like 1987 was the Dark Ages.

If there’s a moral to this story, it’s that “1987 live-action Masters of the Universe film with Dolph Lundgren” is really fun to say.

NICK: The question on everyone’s lips is “Where did Nick put the pineapple?”
ME: The question on everyone’s lips is “Who puts pineapple on a pizza, you psycho?”
NICK: That’s not right and you know it! But seriously …
ME: I was quite serious.

A vaguely Orwellian strange conversation:

ME: I think the opposed examples they gave were from Nineteen Eighty-Four: that the novel is unremittingly bleak or that the novel has a happy ending. Though I don’t see how you can argue the last one about Nineteen Eighty-Four.
NICK: No.
ME: Imagine a boot, grinding on a human face—forever.
NICK: Imagine a Canadian, grinding …
ME: You know I was paraphrasing Nineteen Eighty-Four, right?
NICK: But you said “Aboot.”
ME: Oh, I see. Very funny.

ME: Hello?
NICK: Oh, sorry. Have phone on mute at work, sometimes don’t hear it. What can I do?
ME: Fake your own death so I can go home.
NICK: Hmm. You know, you probably have some sick leave by now. Use it to take off a couple of hours early.
ME: Yes, I know I could go home without you faking your own death, but the point is that you’re not being helpful.
NICK: I thought that was quite a helpful suggestion!

After watching the Thor trailer:

ME: Man, he’s gorgeous.
NICK: I knew he was your type.
ME: Big, blonde, bearded thunder god of the Northlands? Yeah, he’s my type.
NICK: I wish I could grow a beard.
ME: And become a thunder god?
NICK: That, too.
ME: Obviously, the beard is the first step.
NICK: Obviously.

ME: I mean, would you trust this man?
NICK: Indeed you wouldn’t. Looking at that pic though, I’m not surprised that Tom Baker played him once.
ME: They have the same mad eyes. Except that Tom Baker is adorable.
NICK: True. You should read that interview. It’s pretty wild.
ME: What interview? With Rasputin?
NICK: Heh. Nah, the Tom Baker interview.
ME: Oh! Don’t distract me. I’m distractable enough already.
NICK: True dat.
ME: I’m trying to find a way to say “We don’t know much for sure about Rasputin, because it’s all myths and highly unlikely hearsay. But we know everyone hated him and they killed him. A lot.” Only not like that.
NICK: Yes. Also, he was in Hellboy.
ME: That’s not relevant.
NICK: It should be though.
ME: Go away.
NICK: Okay!

ME: Dude. This woman’s husband is in a Bigfoot group.
NICK: Really?
ME: Who joins a Bigfoot group? Who marries someone who a member of a Bigfoot group?
NICK: What’s a Bigfoot group?
ME: I don’t actually know. I guess people who believe in Bigfoot and go out looking for him?
NICK: Oh, right! As opposed to, say, Bigfoot re-enactors.
ME: You mean, they put on suits, hide in pockets of mist and out-of-focus areas, and jump out at unwary hikers?
NICK: Yeah.
ME: We should start a Bigfoot re-enactment group!
NICK: Totally!