(This, by the way, is Sanctuary, if you haven’t come across it yet.)
ME: Does it have The Cult in the soundtrack?
NICK: I don’t think so.
ME: They had it in the trailer.
NICK: I think they missed a trick in the show.
ME: Oh, CGI city!
ME: Wait, is that part of the episode or a logo?
NICK: I don’t know.
ME: It’s not a good sign when you can’t tell the episode from the logo.
NICK: Does this hospital have an interrogation room?
ME: Maybe the police station has a gurney?
ME: Oh no, it’s Voldemort!
ME: Wait, maybe it’s Peter Garrett.
HERO: Who are you?
NICK (speaking for Amanda Tapping): I’m Batman.
ME: Wait, we’re twenty-five minutes through, and nothing’s happened yet?
NICK: The pacing is a bit flabby.
ME: It’s hard to tell because nothing has happened yet.
NICK: Of course, the humourlessness doesn’t help.
ME: Well, maybe there’ll be some jokes when something happens.
NICK: I don’t think that hat’s doing Amanda Tapping any favours.
ME: I don’t think it would do anyone any favours. I think it’s trying to evoke something, but I don’t know what.
NICK: Vampire Hunter D, maybe?
NICK: Let’s just walk across this completely empty soundstage.
ME: Completely empty soundstage with grand staircases.
ME: It’s all a bit Skydivers, isn’t it? “Walk, walk, walk: we shall start the scene here.”
HERO: You’re a doctor of what, precisely?
HEROINE: The actual discipline depends on the specific patient.
HERO (faced with a mermaid): How is this even possible?
NICK: CGI. Lots of CGI.
HERO: What is that?
HEROINE: His exact classification is less important than his actual existence.
HEROINE: He’s been relatively isolated since I first treated him.
NICK: Oh, the dialogue is so ponderous.
NICK: “Relatively isolated.” It’s so flabby.
ME: And also? Most of it doesn’t make sense.
HEROINE: I’d like to offer you a place here.
HERO: What, helping you catch monsters?
HEROINE: We prefer to call them “abnormals.”
NICK: Oh, yes—because that’s much better.
HEROINE: I need someone who can see the world as it really is.
HERO: I lock up criminals, not monsters.
HEROINE: And you can’t see the irony in that statement?
NICK: No. Because there isn’t any.
HEROINE (talking about a child with a tentacle growing out of his chest): Such abnormal children are often adopted by well-meaning immigrants.
HEROINE: What frightens you more, Dr Zimmerman? That frightened boy down there . . .
NICK: Or his disgusting tentacle?
HEROINE: What do you see when you look at him?
NICK: Apart from his disgusting tentacle?
ME: Even the end-title music is humourless.
NICK: Yeah, though I don’t mind it.
ME: Why on earth not?