Why I'll Never Be A Superhero
Posted 17 September 2008 in Life, the Universe, and Everything by Catriona
Because, frankly, I just like writing lists.
1. I’m not too bad at multi-tasking, but I don’t think I’m at superhero level. If there’s one thing that movies and comics have taught me, it’s that superheroes have an extraordinarily difficult time balancing the needs of earning a decent living and fighting crime.
I suppose it would be easier if one were the kind of superhero who was paid for their services to the city. Or a billionaire playboy. Otherwise, it all seems a little difficult.
2. I don’t have any superpowers. I suppose that this should really have been the first item on the list, since it’s essential to a successful career as a superhero, but the multi-tasking still seems an important point.
3. I’m absolutely terrified of insects. So there goes one way of gaining superpowers.
4. I’m also old enough to be disturbed by experiments with nuclear technology—and that carries over to a disinclination to expose myself to gamma radiation. So there’s another means of gaining superpowers off the list.
5. I don’t think I’m a mutant. I certainly don’t seem to have any mutant powers. Of course, if I were to ask my brother whether I’m a mutant, he’d certainly answer, “Yes.” What is it about little brothers that means that if you ask them a simple question such as “Am I a mutant/stupid/making a huge mistake?” they always answer “Yes”?
6. I have no particular facility with technology. Now, it seems to me that you can be a superhero without having superpowers if you’re either excellent at building gadgets or have sufficient money to hire someone who’s excellent at building gadgets. I don’t fall into either of those categories.
7. I’m actually not that keen on being beaten up. This seems a serious disadvantage.
8. There’s always a risk that one will be seduced by the blatant advantages of becoming a supervillain instead. And, much like the Jager plans in which they lose their hats, that never ends well.
9. I struggle enough trying to stay on top of housecleaning. Can you imagine the difficulties of trying to keep a secret lair clean? Because secret lairs are always in inconvenient spaces: perhaps at the bottom of the ocean (think what the humidity would do to your soft furnishings!) or in a cave (the dust! the spiders!). And the whole point of a secret lair is that it’s secret: you can’t hire a cleaning lady. Although if you’re one of those superheroes who has their own butler, that would make things easier.
10. I’m not terribly keen on appearing in public in my underwear.
11. I’m very clumsy. My best friend’s mother used to say that it was as though I had no sense of the relationship between myself and the outside world. I can see that that might be a disadvantage for a superhero.
12. I suspect that my desire to be a superhero would manifest less as a burning desire to help the helpless at the expense of my own peace of mind (and regardless of personal injury) and more as a tendency to lie around on the chaise longues at Justice League headquarters, sipping margaritas and reading my own press clippings.
Actually, that’s a good idea.
Right, I’m off to find a margarita.
And a chaise longue.
And the Justice League.
Actually, forget the Justice League.
And the chaise longue.
Share your thoughts [10]
1
Matthew Smith wrote at Sep 17, 06:12 am
You need to watch Dr Horrible’s singalong blog! If there can be a super villain whose power is that he sweats alot, then I’m sure there’s a place for you in the league.
Link on hulu. I managed to watch it by just clicking through the popup that says I can’t.
2
Catriona wrote at Sep 17, 06:18 am
I do keep meaning to watch Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog—Nick keeps bullying me to—but I haven’t had a chance. I’ve been too busy watching raunchy, HBO, Southern vampire, Anna Paquin vehicles.
Plus, the main point is that I don’t really want to be a supervillain. I would like to be a force for good. But the Dark Side is so seductive . . .
3
Tim wrote at Sep 18, 02:33 am
Re 1 and 9 (and possibly 11): Some superpowers and accessories can help with this (e.g. super speed or super intellect, and robot butlers).
Re 2 and 5: You may have latent superpowers that will be activated under certain triggering conditions that you have not yet been exposed to.
Re 3 and 4: Being afraid of insects and nuclear technology doesn’t actually give you resistance to their effects. You could still be bitten by a radioactive particle accelerator by accident. Consider that you work at a university. Who knows what experiments might be going on on the south side of the Great Court and might release strange rays or emissions when you happen to be walking past one day?
Re 7: This is a bit of a hurdle. You might develop invulnerability powers, though. Alternatively, you might develop a powerset that doesn’t rely on physical interactions.
Re 8: There is always that risk, yes, but consider that you haven’t become a conventional villain yet.
Re 10: I don’t think it’s compulsory.
Re 12: Your mindset might change after you develop superpowers.
4
Catriona wrote at Sep 18, 05:27 am
Points 1, 9, and 11: I would like a robot butler. I would like that very much. Regardless of whether I become a superhero or not.
Points 2 and 5: Isn’t 32 (to all intents and purposes) a little late for latent superpowers to develop? Adolescence is more usual, I believe.
Points 3 and 4: Now, while being afraid of insects doesn’t give me immunity to their powers, it does mean that I’m damn well not getting close enough to any spider, radioactive or not, to get bitten. Of course, one might sneak up on my in my sleep.
Great. Now I’ll never sleep again.
But that’s a good point about the university. We are very close to the Zombie-Making Factory (otherwise known as the Institute for Molecular Biology: I have no problem with the IMB, per se, but it is one scary-looking building. I swear, one grey day, zombies are going to come boiling up out of the basement of that thing, and we’ll be the first building in their line of sight).
Point 7: I also like the idea of invulnerability. Or maybe I could be like Oracle? She doesn’t get beaten up very often. (Well, she doesn’t get beaten up very often subsequent to being shot in the spine and paralysed. There is that.)
Point 8: I haven’t become a conventional villain yet as far as you know.
Point 10: It seems to be compulsory for female superheroes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one with a sensible outfit. There’s Jessica Jones from Alias, I suppose—though she’s not a superhero any more, and I couldn’t finish those books, they were so damn depressing. Or Lee, the Fallen Angel from the Peter David series. She wears a sensible outfit.
Point 12: Even if my mindset doesn’t change, I’ll have margaritas. Win-win!
5
Wendy wrote at Sep 18, 06:25 am
i can understand your aversion to the wearing of underwear in public…but what about if you got to wear a cape in traditional superhero fashion…wouldn’t that be sort of okay?
6
Tim wrote at Sep 18, 06:33 am
> Points 2 and 5: Isn’t 32 (to all intents and purposes) a little late for latent superpowers to develop? Adolescence is more usual, I believe.
As I said, it might be that you’re missing a trigger condition. For instance, you might be the last descendant of the ancient warrior-queens of Atlantis, and as soon as you touch the Trident of Poseidon, all your powers will be restored.
> Point 7: I also like the idea of invulnerability. Or maybe I could be like Oracle? She doesn’t get beaten up very often. (Well, she doesn’t get beaten up very often subsequent to being shot in the spine and paralysed. There is that.)
Oracle was one of the examples I had in mind.
> Point 8: I haven’t become a conventional villain yet as far as you know.
Oh! Good point.
> Point 10: It seems to be compulsory for female superheroes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one with a sensible outfit. There’s Jessica Jones from Alias, I suppose—though she’s not a superhero any more, and I couldn’t finish those books, they were so damn depressing. Or Lee, the Fallen Angel from the Peter David series. She wears a sensible outfit.
There’s also, um, Oracle. And to be literal, a lot of the spandex bodysuit brigade aren’t just in their underwear.
7
Catriona wrote at Sep 18, 08:37 am
But, Wendy, Edna Mode says no capes! All sorts of horrible things happen to superheroes in capes.
Tim, I’d forgotten Oracle when I was listing sensibly dressed superheroes. And, while technically I wouldn’t be in my underwear if I wore a spandex bodysuit, I’m also unwilling to show my face out of doors in a spandex bodysuit.
Still, Oracle is a good role model.
And I do like the possibility of being the last of the warrior-queens of Atlantis. That’s almost worth the inevitable (in that model) silly costume. I suppose I’ll just have to go around touching likely objects until I find my trigger.
8
Wendy wrote at Sep 18, 09:09 am
Oh…yes…that’s a shame… I think capes could really make a comeback…such opportunities for sweeping melodramatic gestures (although that’s more for villains I guess)
I had forgotten the dangers however of getting stuck on things, being sucked into machinery etc though.
sigh…no capes then
9
Tim wrote at Sep 18, 01:09 pm
> And I do like the possibility of being the last of the warrior-queens of Atlantis. That’s almost worth the inevitable (in that model) silly costume. I suppose I’ll just have to go around touching likely objects until I find my trigger.
Fair warning, though: this may get you into trouble in museums.
10
Catriona wrote at Sep 18, 01:19 pm
I was worrying, too, that my trigger might be a person. And I can think of all sorts of dire consequences if I go around touching complete strangers . . . or even friends, for that matter.