Articles in “Strange Conversations”

A Rosh Hashanah strange conversation.

ME: Apparently, Yom Kippur is one holiday often observed by secular Jews who don’t observe other holidays.
NICK: So, like Christmas.
ME: Not … really. I think they observe it in a religious fashion.
NICK: Ah.
ME: Whereas plenty of people, like us, observe Christmas in a purely secular fashion. I don’t think there’s much chance of observing Yom Kippur in a secular fashion, what with the fasting and the abstaining from pleasures of the flesh.
NICK: So, that was an inexact metaphor, then.
ME: It wasn’t so much a metaphor as an analogy. But, yes, it was inexact, as I am explaining to you at some length.
NICK: And also I smell bad?

ME: I still need to make a birthday cake tonight. And this living room is not fit for human habitation. Or non-human habitation.
NICK: What kind of non-humans do you mean?
ME: What d’you mean?
NICK: Well, Cybermen wouldn’t care, for example.
ME: I don’t know about that. Have you ever seen a cluttered Cybership?
NICK: But they’re not emotional. So they’d just say, “This is cluttered” and not think about it any more.
ME: I’d be really hurt if a Cyberman came into my house and said, “This is cluttered.”
NICK: The thing to remember is that they’re not emotional, but they’re also not very tactful.

ME: The closer to the Equator, the hotter it is. Right?
NICK: Generally, yes. Why?
ME: I need that information to make a joke on the Internet.
NICK: Fair enough.

ME: I can’t believe you bought a pencil sharpener on the Internet. Can I have a look?
NICK: Yes, but be careful. There’s an instructional video for it.
ME: I can’t believe you bought a pencil sharpener that requires an instructional video.

But the sad thing is that I can believe it all too readily.

The strange places to which a conversation about “The Curse of Fenric” can lead you.

NICK: I think it was set in Whitley Bay.
ME: I think that’s highly unlikely.
NICK: Well, wherever Dracula came ashore.
ME: You’re thinking of Whitby. Whitley Bay is where people from the Felling go on a seaside holiday.
NICK: People from the Felling? You mean hobbits?

Inspired by the sudden sight of a Sons of Anarchy poster:

ME: Who is that?
NICK: Your type, apparently.

Then he laughed for at least ten minutes.

ME: It’s not that funny.
NICK: It really is.
ME: It’s been a long day.
NICK: I know.
ME: I just got my tone wrong. The sentence was meant to sound interrogative. Instead, it came out as …
NICK: Yearning?
ME: Yeah. A bit.

ME: Honey? Can you leave me a list of all the passwords to your social-networking sites in a drawer somewhere? Then, if you’re hit by a car or something, I can deal with those.
NICK: Do you know my main password?
ME: No.
NICK: Oh. Because that would get you into One Password and solve all those problems.
ME: Honey, I don’t use One Password. Also? I will be grieving.
NICK: Oh.
ME: Just leave a list. Then I can get into Twitter and say, “Nick’s dead. Sod off!”

NICK: Is it time to get up?
ME: I’ve decided you’ve slept in long enough, and now I’m going to stand over you judgementally until you get up and make me a cup of coffee.
(Long pause)
NICK: Wow. You weren’t kidding, were you?

NICK: So next time I smirk at Alison Brie, you can’t say anything.
ME: I certainly can, and will. Just like you do when I get that look on my face when Boromir turns up in Fellowship of the Ring.
NICK: I just laugh at you.
ME: I suppose it is a bit laughable.
NICK: Now you’re putting words in my mouth! Admittedly, they’re the words I used, but still!

ME: Want to see Jane Eyre tomorrow night?
NICK: Sure!
ME: It’s good for you. It’s like reading a book.
NICK: I know! I do that sometimes!
ME: It’s not “reading” when you’re looking at the pictures, honey, whatever art historians tell you.
NICK: OMG.
ME: Are you more annoyed by the slam at your literacy or the slam at art historians?
NICK: Both. Equally!
ME: The latter was below the belt. I recant it.

In which Nick (finally) notices the (extremely large and prominent) necklace he bought me, which arrived in the mail today:

NICK: Hey! That looks great!
ME: It does, doesn’t it?
NICK: How long have you been wearing that?
ME: Since I picked you up from work.
NICK: Oh.
ME: In fact, since about 1pm.
NICK: Oh.
ME: It’s okay, honey. You’re just a terrible boyfriend.
NICK: Really?
ME: Not really. I’d much rather you did the washing up while I’m marking than that you notice when I get six inches cut off my hair.

ME: Honey, can you come here?
NICK: Not only can, but will.
ME: No!
NICK: What?
ME: Don’t you dare criticise my inaccurate use of auxiliary verbs while I’m in the middle of marking!
NICK: But I …
ME: No!
NICK: Okay, I have no idea what just happened.