Lies I Have Told This Morning To Try And Attract Nick's Attention On Gmail Chat
Posted 9 March 2009 in Life, the Universe, and Everything by Catriona
1. I’m being stalked by radioactive broccoli.
2. There’s a man here who says he’s Namor the Sub-Mariner and he’s here to view the kittens we advertised in the local paper.
3. A bomb just exploded in the living room.
4. Apparently, I’ve been elected Queen of all the monkeys, and I have to go and live on an island off the coast of Patagonia. On the plus side, I get a pension for life.
5. I’m thinking of becoming a cannibal, to cut down on the cost of groceries.
6. I adopted a giant panda. It’s called Beryl.
Unfortunately, I was just getting into the swing of it when he actually started responding.
Share your thoughts [16]
1
Wendy wrote at Mar 9, 06:00 am
Beryl…great name for a panda
2
Catriona wrote at Mar 9, 06:38 am
Especially a panda of indeterminate gender!
3
Tim wrote at Mar 9, 10:01 am
Re 5, what you saved on groceries you would probably lose on transport, cleanup and disposal expenses.
4
Catriona wrote at Mar 9, 10:06 am
Disposal is not an issue re. cannibalism. In fact, disposal is rather the point.
You’re right on transport costs. Do you suppose I could come up with a cunningly worded advertisement that would induce people to pay their own taxi fares?
(Note to the FBI: I am not serious about the cannibalism. I am serious about being queen of all the monkeys.)
5
Tim wrote at Mar 9, 10:17 am
> Disposal is not an issue re. cannibalism. In fact, disposal is rather the point.
Bones, for a start. Plus any skin and offal you don’t consume.
And you will need a larger freezer, which on top of the initial expense means your electricity bills will go up.
6
Catriona wrote at Mar 9, 10:33 am
But I’m trying to save money! So there’s stock, and crackling, and various offal-based products—and now I’m creeping myself out.
The larger freezer is a problem, though. I do admit that.
7
Tim wrote at Mar 9, 11:19 am
You could start farming the geckos.
8
Catriona wrote at Mar 9, 11:29 am
Hmm. But they’re so cute! Plus, I think that would be a time-intensive kind of protein . . .
9
Tim wrote at Mar 9, 11:35 am
Cheaper to feed than pandas, though.
10
Wendy wrote at Mar 9, 12:37 pm
perhaps beryl is a cannabilistic panda….but then you would need more pandas i guess…or just use the kittens up first…or ship in your monkey slaves
11
Catriona wrote at Mar 9, 11:00 pm
My monkey slaves? Betray them thus, to be eaten at leisure by Beryl, the (broadly speaking) cannibalistic panda? Never, never would I betray them in such a fashion!
Of course, a cannibalistic giant panda would have to broaden its gastronomical horizons in this day and age, unfortunately.
12
Wendy wrote at Mar 10, 04:15 am
perhaps that’s the answer to their rarity…they’ve all secretly been trying to eat each other for years
what a loyal Queen of the Monkeys you are…I notice though you didn’t go into bat for the kittens?
13
Catriona wrote at Mar 10, 07:04 am
Well, the kittens were simply a product of Namor’s fevered imagination—or he had the wrong address. But my monkeys rely on their queen.
Also, they pay me a pension, and I think they’d stop that if I fed them to a panda.
14
Wendy wrote at Mar 10, 08:10 am
they pay you a pension? man, I’ve got to myself some monkeys….
15
Drew wrote at Mar 10, 01:07 pm
Strictly speaking, it’s not cannabalism if your panda is eating monkeys. But they don’t have the teeth for eating meat, slight problem there, it would have to be a genetically modified panda.
16
Catriona wrote at Mar 10, 01:11 pm
Well, no. But if Beryl is not overly bright or perhaps short sighted, we might be able to tell it that the monkeys are pandas, which would save us from shipping more pandas in from China to feed our one cannibalistic panda.
And I think Beryl might have dentures.